Love and Reason, or: i can haz depression

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Verena won’t be home from Friday until Monday morning. No, nothing serious. Just beyond our control. A surprise, if you will.

Now you may think, what the hell does that have to do with anything? Surely this won’t turn into one of those tiresome personal blogs, where people whine about how none of their friends like them? And no, it won’t. But to those who come here for the entertainment of reading my disjointed thoughts on this world of ours, or those who come here looking for progress updates about their favourite pretentious game designer… well, this is a warning.

In the last three years or so, Verena and I have spent every single day together. Not every moment of every day, granted, there is the occasional exception for shopping and the like, but the majority of every day. And here’s the thing: we haven’t grown bored of each other for a minute. We’ve had fights, we’ve had bad days, but it was never due to being in each other’s presence. We function, as anyone who actually personally knows us, as a single unit. This is symbiosis in all the meanings of the word. (Sometimes to the point where it’s eerie. The amount of times we have the same thought, expressed in the same language, at the same time, is quite amazing.)

So, you may say, three days. Storm in a fucking teacup, mate. Other people don’t see their partners for months. Hell, a friend of ours is in China; her boyfriend doesn’t have nervous breakdown every five minutes, even though he really loves her.

And that’s fine, that’s all fine. But it’s not the truth about who I am, and what this relationship is. I’m not going to tell you that it’s better than other people’s relationships, because that would be preposterous. OK, so it’s better than the relationships a lot of people have, but so is a loaf of bread with a donkey on top. But I’m not going to claim it’s better than other people’s love, because I can never know that, and neither can anyone else, because love is vast and yet specific, common to everyone and yet absolutely singular. And if you think that’s cliché emo shit, you’re a sad moron with no experience of the real world.

I am by nature an empiricist. I am interested in the things I can prove, in the things I can understand. I think Reason is the only thing that’s keeping us from the abyss, and the only thing that can give us insight into the beauty of the universe. But to define Reason as the opposite of emotion, the opposite of art, is ludicrous. Reason is the process of discovering, by thought and experiment, the objective nature of reality. And through personal experience, and the legacy of thousands of years of human history, I can tell you that love is real and matters more than anything else. We humans know this, we have billions of test results on the matter.

This is the most important insight of all: love is real. It’s more than biology, more than chemistry, more than anything else in the world. And all the clever cynics, and all the nihilistic fools, are wrong. Ridiculously, pathetically wrong. Their pronouncements can be taken no more seriously than those of flat-earthers or climate change deniers. They are sad lunatics denying the proven truth.

Our time in this world is limited. I am painfully aware of that; sometimes too much so, perhaps. So to have to spend three days without my wife is not a small deal. Call me childish. Call me overly attached. But I’ll just pity you, because if you say that, you have not experienced what I have experienced, and your view of the universe is still woefully limited.

So we come to the warning. If I seem strange in the next few days – if I update too much, or not at all, or write silly, self-pitying things – then please forgive the confused ravings of a mind split in two and divided from its better half. I will be working as hard as possible, but given that I’ve spend the last day and a half having a nervous breakdown every half-hour, the results may be a little strange.

And if anyone ever tells you that love is an illusion, or a biological trick, or nothing but sex disguised… you can tell them that I told you to tell them to go fuck themselves.

Good night.

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13 Comments

  1. Hey, heads up… treat this as a research experiment in separation between characters in love – that is, despite it being a forced experiment if I get that correctly. I can help temporarily alleviate the pain while Verena’s out there on a mission by telling you crazy stories past & present, and playing you lots of mad metal music. Just give me a shout.

  2. I will cope with your grief by thinking about that donkey on the loaf of bread.

  3. You’ll survive, Jonas. She’ll be back in three days. And you might can use this experience in future creations.

    Believe me, if I can keep from dying for three years because I can’t even SEE the woman I love (much less try asking her out again), you’ll survive this. At least she’s coming back to you.

  4. Evil Roda

     /  March 19, 2010

    I’m going to ask my English teacher what he thinks of love, and if he says it’s not real, I’m going to tell him that you told me to tell him to go fuck himself. And “m doing it in front of the whole class. XD

  5. Just give me a shout.

    Will do!

    I will cope with your grief by thinking about that donkey on the loaf of bread.

    Excellent.

    Believe me, if I can keep from dying for three years because I can’t even SEE the woman I love (much less try asking her out again), you’ll survive this. At least she’s coming back to you.

    I see what you’re saying (and understand the feeling), and as I said I cannot judge another person’s love. But to further elucidate why this is so difficult for me:
    One person loving another is very powerful. But two people loving each other, and being together, multiplies that effect. In time, you grow to be one and a half beings instead of two, like two circles that overlap. You don’t function half as well on your own anymore.

    I’m going to ask my English teacher what he thinks of love, and if he says it’s not real, I’m going to tell him that you told me to tell him to go fuck himself. And “m doing it in front of the whole class. XD

    Please do.

  6. Evil Roda

     /  March 20, 2010

    I did. He said he did believe in love. He asked me why I asked, and I told him that Jonas told me to tell anybody who doesn’t believe in love to go fuck themselves. We were in the doorway of his classroom when I said that, and he said to not say fuck so loudly, because if Rollins (the vice principal) heard it, he’d yell at him, not at me. So, yeah. Didn’t get the results you wanted. XD

  7. Evil Roda

     /  March 20, 2010

    Also, congrats on your hundredth post in the Thoughts category! I just now noticed! XD

  8. me

     /  March 20, 2010

    Are you fucking serious?

  9. Hi there Jonas, long time lurker and admirer here. iv’e been reading your blog and waiting for phenomenon 32 for a loong time now and this is the first time I ever make any commentary about what i read.

    I wish you the best of lucks, but I have to say something extracted from the bottom of my entire life experience. in the words of Roland Orzabal from Tears for Fears. “and all the love, all the love in the world, won’t stop the rain from falling”

    bottomline: learn to live without your wife man, She isn’t going to be always there, maybe seems that way right now but belive me, as important love is, its also really, really treacherous force.

    Love isn’t the all curing medicine all the love songs sais it is, sometimes it’s just a tyrant, dont let it be your tyrant.

    well, best of lucks.

  10. Hi there Jonas, long time lurker and admirer here. iv’e been reading your blog and waiting for phenomenon 32 for a loong time now and this is the first time I ever make any commentary about what i read.

    I wish you the best of lucks, but I have to say something extracted from the bottom of my entire life experience. in the words of Roland Orzabal from Tears for Fears. “and all the love, all the love in the world, won’t stop the rain from falling”

    bottomline: learn to live without your wife man, She isn’t going to be always there, maybe seems that way right now but belive me, as important love is, its also really, really treacherous force.

    Love isn’t the all curing medicine all the love songs sais it is, sometimes it’s just a tyrant, dont let it be your tyrant.

    well, best of lucks.

    I fear that I can only respond to this by pointing at the above post, and to all of my creative output.

    The love songs don’t know the half of it.

    Edit to add: Love, by its nature, cannot be a tyrant. A relationship can be oppressive, an obsession mistaken for love can be oppressive. But love is freedom, even when it hurts.

  11. Are you fucking serious?

    Am I fucking serious about what, strange unpleasant person?

  12. I accidentally deleted strange unpleasant person’s next comment, because I saw too late it had once again been eaten by the spam filter. That’s what happens when you don’t enter real information because you’re not willing to stand behind your silly comments.

    Anyway, from what I managed to see, the point was whether I was fucking serious about being depressed about not seeing my wife for three days, when I was guaranteed to see her when the three days were over.

    And the answer to that question is that obviously you are a moron, because you clearly haven’t read a word I’ve written, or if you have, chosen not to understand any of it. I pity you, but please go away and take your unhappiness and cynicism elsewhere. I don’t have the time for you.

  13. Yes, I do have you pegged. Because people who have nothing better to do than to post unfriendly, “incredulous” messages on other people’s blogs are sad morons. Is it really necessary for you to comment on my emotional state when you have nothing constructive to say or add? Of course not, you’re just venting your frustration at being a sad moron.

    Now fuck off and get a life.