Words!

It may be that writing Would You Kindly Not has cost me a great deal of support in certain quarters, where I am now considered an evil white privileged (ahaha) oppressor for daring to question the dogma of identity politics and gender stereotyping, but frankly when I think about the fact that in those same quarters Stephen Fry is seen as a raving misogynist – a thought so absurd, so out of touch with reality, that it boggles the mind – a falling-out was inevitable. I’m sorry about that, because many of said people are very talented and probably well-intentioned, but I accept neither their ideology itself nor the notion that disagreeing with them turns me into a conservative (or an opponent of the groups they claim to represent).

So thank you for all the messages of support (including many from queer, trans and non-white people, who don’t all subscribe to the same ideology), I’m sorry so many of you feel unable to speak out because you are afraid of being attacked in the same way I was, and I will now stop trying to explain myself to those who were never interested in debate in the first place and return to telling stories – and doing my part in the struggle for global human equality. A small part, no bigger than yours, but something to take seriously nonetheless.

Bonus video:

The next post will be about Ithaka of the Clouds.

Hymn

Εγώ που κάνω όνειρα κι έχω πολλά ωραία να χάσω
κάνω και την αρχή — δε γουστάρω να ησυχάσω.
Τι άλλο φοβάσαι, πες μου, και θα γίνω
κι ας έχω τόσα πολλά κι ωραία να χάσω.
Κι ούτε στιγμή μη ρωτάς τι θα απογίνω,
μου φτάνει που δε γουστάρω να ησυχάσω

I wish this song’s lyrics were easy to translate, but as usual the best writing is hard to take out of its language. For those of you who do speak Greek, here’s a song that represents much of what I believe about struggle.

How We Talk About Ourselves

Some thoughts and clarifications on the subject of identity politics, here in response to “why we talk about ourselves” by Liz Ryerson. It is, as opposed to most of the responses I got, calmly written, but I also have to say that it misses the point of what I said (as I was accused of doing with Mattie Brice’s article). Please note that I’m also responding to a lot of the accusations on Twitter, which are not what Liz Ryerson’s article is about. I’m using some of the things she wrote as a jumping-off point for more general thoughts.

i think his larger point of contention is he wants to bring to light his own experiences of violence he’s had to face every day, as a former citizen of Greece. and i understand where he’s coming from there, to the extent that i can.

This just applies the logic of identity politics to a different identity, and that is precisely what I want to avoid. I wrote about Greece in the context of the necessity of avoiding nationalism, avoiding turning everything into a Greek issue. If I followed the logic of identity politics, I could start all my articles with references to the terrible situation in Greece and my personal pains and fears. I have plenty to talk about, much of it as emotionally touching and politically disturbing as anything in Mattie Brice’s article. But I believe that:

a) What affects me deeply is not necessarily relevant to every article, and it’s too easy to use such powerful emotions to sell yourself and your argument (L. A. Kauffmann notes how identity politics mirror the ideology of the marketplace). This doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to make political or philosophical points based on your own experiences (where relevant).

b) Feeling strongly about a matter of oppression that I have experienced viscerally does not give me license to stereotype or dismiss others.

Now, if I was playing the game of identity politics, I could dismiss all criticism with the claim of racism or hellenophobia or even Orientalism. I do have some of those features people associate with the Orient: thick grown-together eyebrows, quickly tanning skin. In America, where the discourse is such, my father would probably be described by some people as “brown”. People who dislike my games? Racists. People who think my politics are wrong? Racists. The people who attacked me on Twitter? Privileged American imperialists replicating their so-called culture’s built-in hatred of everyone else in the world.

See? It’s easy. It’s also bullshit.

Now, I have called quite a few people here racist, because Greece is a touchy subject matter to me, and I do think racism is widespread. But racism isn’t when someone disagrees with an “ethnic” person, it’s a worldview that assigns stereotypical characteristics (including positive, as in the case of the noble savage) to a group of people on the basis of their origins. In the same way sexism isn’t to disagree with a woman (does disagreeing with Ayn Rand make you a sexist? was she oppressed?), but a worldview that ascribes stereotypical characteristics to people on the basis of their gender.

Identity politics conflates the writer with the written. Not a word of my article suggests that Mattie Brice’s experiences are anything but horrific and that violence against trans women of colour is anything but a problem. I never once condemn her for wanting more games to touch on these experiences, for wanting the state to take her persecution seriously. In fact, nothing I’ve ever written would ever suggest that I might even consider such thoughts. But to the logic of identity politics, it doesn’t matter. “You don’t get to talk about this.” “You can never understand her experience.” Those are the answers people gave – you cannot know (because you don’t belong to this group). People are utterly alien to one another, and not having a specific experience means that you cannot discuss the application of that experience to the world that you also live in, which gives that person license to say anything, no matter how offensive or problematic.

Looking outside this box for even a second should reveal how this instantly fragments society into bits that can never talk to each other, never understand, and never come together to fight for structural change. Because almost everyone on the face of this planet is oppressed in some way, they can all construct an identity around that and then defend it with sexist and racist logic that can never be assaulted. We can make it profoundly personal, too. America supported the quasi-fascist governments of Greece, so America supported my grandfather getting tortured. I never saw him able to walk properly, never saw him as anything but a broken, angry old man, and there’s no question that his brokenness, his withdrawn nature, affected my father and ultimately his relationship with me. There would have been so much less pain in my family if not for America, so everything American is not only irrelevant to me, but something to be actively hated. And those American trans people, they’re just another face of the American hegemony, like Obama and his support for the government that is siding with the same political groups that were responsible for all that pain.

See? If I cling to this with enough emotion, and shout enough about it on Twitter, it can sound pretty powerful. It’s still bullshit, though – even though everything I wrote about my grandfather is true. My legacy of sorrow and my personal experiences do not justify stereotyping Americans as evil imperialists, or dismissing the experiences of trans Americans because they belong to that “privileged” nation.

but when he tries to make the point that games like Bioshock and Spec Ops: The Line are relevant to people like him who have been through very real experiences of gun violence, he seems to be seeing a phantom.

I haven’t personally experienced gun violence (the worst I’ve experienced is tear gas, which isn’t fun, though I’ve been spared the newer types now in use in Greece, which are classified as chemical weapons that would be illegal to use against soldiers in a war), and I don’t think that Spec Ops or BioShock are relevant to me because I’m Greek. That’s why I spoke about the horrors in the Middle East and the American soldiers who are used to cause to them. That’s not my everyday life. But the fact that it’s not my everyday life does not mean it’s not real, or not relevant to me as a person living on this planet. Why should the problems I face make the problems others face irrelevant? To understand that the issues touched upon in Spec Ops, in no matter how superficial a way, are real issues – that war is real and terrible and not far away at all – is the essence of empathy. Which is why I found it shocking to be accused of lacking empathy for criticizing an article whose main point was that the problems of others (dismissed with the generic stereotype of the privileged white male, even though so many of those who end up in the army with images from Call of Duty in their heads are neither white nor male) are none of the author’s concern; more than that, that they are basically imaginary.

The inability to relate. Container cultures. “Empathy” doesn’t mean obeying a political dogma because some of the people supporting it are oppressed, it means trying to understand, having an insight into the emotional experiences of others – which the same people who say that I lack empathy claim is utterly impossible. Let the Greeks rot on their streets, let the trans rot in their rooms, let the Iraqis rot in their ruins – none of us can understand each other, and thus none of us can care – or try to understand the roots of our common misery.

I believe in the need for an internationalist, cosmopolitan understanding of struggle, both literally and metaphorically. I believe that we need to tear down these false categories of race, gender, nationality. Not by pretending their effects don’t exist, but by deconstructing them intellectually and by forcefully opposing them in the real world, through personal and political action. I think it’s ridiculous and outrageous to claim this viewpoint to be sexist. You can disagree with it strategically and philosophically if you desire, but it is not sexist.

What is sexist and racist, however, is dumping vast swathes of people into categories based on a middle-class academic phraseology that takes the United States of America to be the centre of the world. Even if you do it out of the best of intentions and with all the emotion of feeling oppression every day.

i don’t want to question his own emotional investment in those games, but it must be said that most of the people who are making the creative decisions on these big-budget games don’t have the kinds of personal experiences, nor have they done the necessary research to really understand the complex issues a game like Spec Ops tries to tackle. Mattie’s characterization of those game developers as privileged is more or less correct – because even if they, themselves, are not the ones benefiting from that privilege, they’re still buying into the dominant cultural narratives or what games should and shouldn’t be – namely, big-budget FPS games.

This is a completely different point now, but it does relate to this idea of identity. I’ve used the word “privileged” myself, but I’ve always been very nervous about it, because it doesn’t really describe something specific. It’s too relative. We can talk specifics about income, housing, political ideology – but just identifying a group as “privileged”, as if it was homogenous, doesn’t really work very well.

Accusing the developers of being privileged because they buy into the dominant cultural narrative because they’re making big-budget FPS games strikes me as unfair and illogical. First of all, the argument could easily be made (and I think is very relevant) that in order to subvert the typical narratives of the military shooter, in order to reach the audience that experiences this propaganda the most, they have to make a game superficially in the same vein. Otherwise their game can never do anything but preach to the converted – something that fits in with the self-centered, inwards-looking ideology of identity, but not with the desire to have an impact on the world and do something, even a little something, against war.

I also can’t agree with the equation of form with content. There’s nothing inherently oppressive about a big-budget shooter (Spec Ops is actually third-person, not that it matters), or even about a big-budget game. This is a kind of primitivism often found in the identity-based quasi-left: because the means of production are not owned by workers, let us abandon them and return to nature. But to acknowledge the problems of the system doesn’t mean to discard everything produced by it, as if there were no progressive elements within it at all. You get the same with some people and Hollywood, rejecting all big-budget films as inherently bad, even when Hollywood has produced far more politically radical films than the kind of self-involved European filmmakers who are often praised as the only alternative.

In fact, I would argue that the mainstream games industry has produced more – tragically few, but still more – games that seriously engage with the bigger picture. Yes, the indie scene has produced a lot of inwards-looking, contemplative, personal games, and that’s fine, but in terms of actually engaging with the world, in terms of looking not into the self but beyond it, there is precious little. Indies are fine with talking about how they feel, what scares them and what turns them on, but very few will even consider looking at the global systems that affect all of us.

but even if they did approach any real understanding of the complexities of real-life warfare, i’m very skeptical of any triple-A game’s ability to make any sort of substantial, coherent criticism of any part of society when shackled by massive team-sizes and market research and having to somehow manage to be enough of a cynically marketed FPS to make a profit within the current market. it just doesn’t seem possible. and yet, we have set the bar so low that we’re willing to convince ourselves that it is. that, i believe, is pure delusion.

There is some truth to this, as the developers themselves have acknowledged – the nature of working within capitalism distorts the artist’s work. But does it make it worthless? And is the indie scene, which also exists within capitalism, in which people are still bound by market forces and the need to survive, that much better? That, I think, is the real delusion: creating identities like “indie” and “mainstream” and assigning them moral values without examining their roles in detail.

One of the people in gaming I respect the most, a feminist and a woman firmly on the Left, works in the mainstream games industry. Do I dismiss her because of that? To dismiss the developers of Spec Ops: The Line without recognizing even remotely their bravery in taking on this subject matter and attempting to shed light on propaganda in the games industry is entirely unfair.

at the heart of Jonas’s criticism, though, is a larger issue. why the sudden, endless descent into discussions of identity on game websites?

Not really, actually. I don’t have a problem with what Electron Dance described as confessional writing, I only have a problem with how it is sometimes used. I believe it can form a part of criticism, but for the most part it is autobiography; interesting, even enlightening, but more about the role of games in our lives than about the games themselves.

still, i cannot and will not devalue the emotional experiences other people have with videogames, or try to say it’s not genuine or valid to write about them, because that misses the point entirely. it’s increasingly impossible to ignore the culture that games have arisen from, and the sort of stranglehold that culture has on all the discourse that occurs. transwomen who want to get into games find themselves on a difficult path (and women in general, but i’m speaking in reference to Mattie’s article). most transwomen experience the sort of social isolation and ostracization that many people who get really into videogames experience, except tenfold. videogames represent spaces and experiences separate from our bodies that we can form our own associations with, free from pressures of social identity, while still participating in an activity deemed “socially acceptable” for those categorized as males. games are rife for emotional projection of whatever kind of role you wish to occupy onto them. i can’t ignore that they can be excellent tools of self-discovery, and i think this is a big part of why so many transwomen are so passionate about games, and technology in general.

Yes! Absolutely! I challenge anyone to find a single sentence in my previous article that suggests that any of this is not true. Of course art engages with the things that matter to us, with our understanding of self, and games are very good at that. That’s important. But it still doesn’t mean that any application of the personal is meaningful, especially when it stereotypes others and dismisses the very possibility of empathy (what a tragic irony). The problem isn’t that we talk about ourselves but how we do it. The self is a powerful thing and it’s easy to get lost in it.

there is a disturbing amount of rage bubbling underneath the secure pockets of technological introspection that so many of us try to escape into when we want to avoid dealing with each other. i believe it is one that will boil over soon enough. if we don’t want to all kill each other, and kill the planet in the process, it’s time we who like videogames learned how to start being human – and how to start empathizing with one another.

That I can only agree with. That’s why I wrote my article. Because I believe that the politics of identity, instead of helping us, instead of cultivating empathy, are in fact one of the pillars of the socio-economic system that profits from pitting us against one another in the name of this flag or that, making us turn a blind eye to the Other even as we stereotype ourselves.

Identity Politics

In the words of others:

The focus on identity has been effective and empowering when identity politics has been construed as the active affirmation of the experiences, dignity, and rights of historically marginalized or excluded people, most notably people of color, gays and lesbians, and disabled people. To borrow the words of Michelle Cliff, this kind of of politics involves not only “claiming an identity they taught me to despise,” through education and affirmation within communities; it also necessitates a direct engagement with the groups and institutions that have organized, supported or tolerated these forms of discrimination, hatred, and exclusion.

But when the emphasis on identity has been given a more introspective cast, the search for an identity politics true to the complexities of identity has led not only to a tendency to view self-exploration as a political process in itself, but also to a balkanization and fragmentation of the Left. The ethos it has inspired – that the truest and most radical form of political work consists in “organizing around your own oppression” – has all too frequently worked to reinforce barriers to communication and coalition among diverse groups. Groups have invested their energies in building and sustaining institutions that promote alternative views of history, culture, and identity, sometimes with very positive results; but in the midst of this intense pursuit and perfection of visions and expressions of identity, the notion of solidarity, so central to any progressive politics, has frequently been lost. Identity politics has done much to pluralize conceptions of radical agency; but the only basis for a radically pluralist politics, as opposed to a fragmented mosaic of political groups, is the principle of solidarity, which exhorts progressives to organize against oppression, exploitation, domination, and exclusion – irrespective of whom they affect.

[…]

A political life, as viewed through the lens of identity politics, seems to be defined much more by conformity to certain implicit codes of self-fashioning (what one eats, wears, listens to, reads, purchases, etc.) than it is by what one does to change existing structures of domination, exploitation, exclusion.

Perhaps the wide appeal of this strain of identity politics lies in the convincing solution it appears to give to the problem of leading a political existence in a profoundly depoliticized society. For it holds out the promise of politicizing *oneself*, one’s choices about self-presentation, self-conception, and lifestyle, project a sense of “being” political at a time when the options for *doing* politics may seem limited. After a decade of apathy and reaction, it is perhaps not surprising that so many have been drawn by this existentialist core, this conscious pursuit and politicization of what Sartre called the process of “choosing ourselves”.

–  L. A. Kauffman, The Anti-Politics of Identity

 

Affirming the virtues of the margins, identity politics has left the centers of power uncontested. No wonder the threatened partisans of “normality” have seized the offensive.

[…]

But if the Right magnifies the multiculturalist menace, identity partisans inflate the claims they make for multiculturalism. All suffer from a severe lack of proportion. Most of all, while critics of identity politics are looting society, the politics of identity is silent on the deepest sources of social misery: the devastation of cities, the draining of resources away from the public and into the private hands of the few. It does not organize to reduce the sickening inquality between rich and poor. Instead, in effect, it struggles to change the color of inequality.

– Todd Gitlin, The Fate of the Commons

 

So what does identity politics have to do with the Left? Let me state firmly what should not need restating. The political project of the Left is universalist: it is for all human beings. However we interpret the words, it isn’t liberty for shareholders or blacks, but for everybody. It isn’t equality for all members of the Garrick Club or the handicapped, but for everybody. It is not fraternity only for old Etonians or gays, but for everybody. And identity politics is essentially not for everybody but for the members of a specific group only. This is perfectly evident in the case of ethnic or nationalist movements. Zionist Jewish nationalism, whether we sympathize with it or not, is exclusively about Jews, and hang — or rather bomb — the rest. All nationalisms are. The nationalist claim that they are for everyone’s right to self-determination is bogus.

– Eric Hobsbawm, Identity Politics and the Left

 

An enduring political and ethical approach to a sexist society cannot be based upon these same divisive gender lines, but rather must figure out which behaviours help society and which do not, and work to give all human beings the experiences which will promote these characteristics, not restricting people according to their biology.

– Kristin Severson and Victoria Stanhope, Identity Politics and Progress: Don’t Fence Me In (or Out)

 

Of course, we are not supposed to use revolutionary theories of history, the “master narratives,” because they are the master’s tools. It is my contention that the master appropriated those tools along with the labor of those he exploited and that it is high time that they be reclaimed.

– Hazel V. Carby, The Politics of Difference

 

Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto. (I am human, nothing human is alien to me.)

– Publius Terentius Afer, Heauton Timorumenos

Would You Kindly Not

I don’t often feel the need to respond to articles about game design; ironically, when I do it’s usually to those that could be seen as being “on the same side” as myself. Thus the article that I am going to talk to is in support of a lot of things I agree with – and yet I find it disturbing enough to feel the need to air my thoughts.

Would You Kindly, by Mattie Brice, addresses a variety of complex, interconnected issues, so it’s not easy to untangle; please bear with me as I attempt to make my points.

The article begins with a very personal tone:

I thought his eyes were blue. But he reminded me they were the color of shit.

Sitting at the corner of my bed, I watched him dress. It was December, and we had argued again. It’s an argument that I have every relationship I’m in. The one when I ask if we could be seen together in public, for once. Hold hands if he’s feeling bold.

Electron Dance recently posted The Ethics of Selling Children, an article that questions (but does not condemn, as some have thought) what it calls confessional writing. The piece struck me as touching something important about a lot of modern game writing, something that has both good and bad aspects. I was reminded of it when reading Would You Kindly, because part of me felt compelled to ask whether this deeply personal story was relevant. Not because the story itself makes me uncomfortable – it doesn’t – but because its use in this context seemed questionable.

I realize saying this may upset some people, but the fact that an experience is traumatic, or that a writer writes about aspects of their personal life that are usually not discussed, does not necessarily make them intellectually relevant to the argument at hand. What particularly worries me is how easily such personal elements can give a powerful emotional charge (because they are powerful, of course) to a piece of writing that otherwise lacks merit, and make it very hard to criticize without appearing to criticize the author as an individual.

I’m not saying that’s entirely the case here, or that there isn’t room for all kinds of autobiographical elements in game writing – it is certainly an important way of showing what injustice feels like on a visceral level – but the line between personal experience and logical argument is an issue to think about for all of us.

It’s a funny thing, dating a man who’s never known oppression in his life. Where he has nothing to prove and no barriers to entry, there are always open wounds on my body from the briars of American society. He was shaken, to the point of an anxiety attack, that someone would think he was gay if spotted with me. That, he said, was a selfish thing for me to demand.

I looked into his eyes as he imagined what discrimination was like. I wonder, as someone who’s experienced it since the moment they were conscious, how life must be to easily sidestep such terrible treatment by our culture. That isn’t an option I will ever have- his reality, assumed to be the template for which all others are based, is actually a niche phenomenon that doesn’t account for the rest of us. It took all of my effort to not call out “boo-hoo” to his retreating back.

Here one of the piece’s main ideas begins to emerge: the divide between the white privileged male and the rest of society. Not something easy to speak about or criticize, so let me make it clear that I believe there is a lot of truth to what is said here. There is no question that society divides people into categories and treats them differently accordingly. We have centuries of writing to show that these categories are arbitrary and absurd – and this is where it gets really complicated, because functionally these categories exist even though they have no logical foundations (i.e. even though race is an imaginary concept with no meaningful biological basis, you will still be judged by it). Because of that, it’s very easy to start reinforcing those categories while attempting to defend the people caught within them. Thus we have the long history of multiculturalism reinforcing the logic of what in post-colonial studies is critically called “container cultures”, as well as the nationalism of oppressed peoples and ideas of the noble savage. Othering, as it is sometimes called, can be employed defensively as well as aggressively, and it is not only imperialists who have created simplistic images of “the Enemy”… or the self.

Now, there is no questioning that what is described in the article is a typical and depressing example of the hypocrisy of those who are less hounded by society; but it also contains the seeds of something that opposes the overly simplistic division into the privileged and the non-privileged: that someone could be shaken to the point of an anxiety attack at the very idea of being thought gay, at the thought of being seen with their lover, is a pretty big deal. It does not speak of freedom, but of constraints. Being allowed to acknowledge one’s lover is not a minor issue, and being forced to exist within an idea of gender that does not allow that, that causes crippling fear at the very thought of it, is discrimination.

The difference, one might argue, is that this person can easily, as the article says, sidestep such treatment. In the case of this individual that is probably true, but it does raise several questions. (Caution: the following sentence is a thought experiment, not my opinion.) One could argue that a transgender person has that option too; if they want to sidestep such treatment, all they have to do is act as if they identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. Of course, that would mean denying who they are and causing themselves endless misery… but then, if someone is genuinely in love with a transgender person and is still terrified of being open about it because of social stigma, is that not also a cause of profound misery? Not as profound as being denied the right to be yourself, but is profound misery a competition? Is one genocide OK because it is less bad than another?

(I am not defending this person’s cowardly behaviour, but I am arguing against overgeneralization.)

Video games are often like my past lover. They live in fantasy realm that can only reference reality, not participate in it.

This is where things begin to break down for me. The comparison makes no sense; is the lover’s reality unreal because it does not apply to everyone? That would suggest that everyone else’s reality is also unreal, since it does not apply to him. The category of “white people” is in many ways fantastical, but that does not make their lives fantastical. Not only is the connection to the confessional part of the story forced, but what it suggests is that the only reality that matters is that of subjective perspective – instead of saying “the bigger picture includes myself as well as others” it says “the others aren’t real, there’s only me”.

2012 was a year of trying to become self-aware, employing satire and other forms of trickery in attempt to engage with social issues. Satire, it seems like the panacea for game developers, an avenue to have ‘fun’ while playing a ‘serious’ game.

Satire certainly seems to be on the rise in games, but is Spec Ops: The Line a satire? Is BioShock?

An acquaintance of mine once said to me, “satire is for the bourgeois.” Often, the social perils they seek to critique turns into torture porn, and the high road they present is to simply look away and forget it all. The minorities involved are sacrificed for the passing interest of the privileged- video game developers and other satirists in the past just wanted to make people uncomfortable, not actually change anything. And it isn’t the oppressed who benefit from the bourgeois squirming in their seats before they go to sleep it off.

The problem with satire often turning into torture porn is certainly one to be taken seriously – Far Cry 3 perhaps being a good example, or many of the films that are praised for their “cynical” depiction of an unchanging and unchangeable world in which everyone is a villain. But is that all that satire is? All it has ever accomplished? And even if all it accomplishes is to make those in power uncomfortable… is that such a bad thing? In order for people to change, they must first become uncomfortable with how things were before. And while change rarely comes from above, history shows us that even people of the so-called privileged classes have played important parts in changing the world for the better, even in the context of revolution and direct struggle. Furthermore, there are situations in which change must be initiated by those with power, because the oppressed simply do not have the material resources to cause change for themselves. “Those with power”, however, does not have to mean the bourgeois or the elite; it can mean the soldier controlling the rifle and the missile and the drone.

It’s true that satire can act as a pressure valve; it can also act as a lockpick.

Moreover, the use of the term “minorities” here reveals a thoroughly US-centric worldview, in which the oppressed are always depicted as a small group with a distinct identity, in line with America’s deep-seated fear of “the masses”.

Spec Ops: The Line is one of many games to come out last year as an attempt to engage politics. It was the only one of these I could get through, and there are some relevant points friend and colleague Brendan Keogh makes about American interventionism in his book Killing is Harmless. However, much like Far Cry 3, Lollipop Chainsaw, and Hotline Miami, it only serves a particular audience for what it assumes to be a wide-reaching social issue. It is like that past fling of mine who flinched at the first sign of difficulty, and turned away.

The return to the personal element here is hard to justify; how does turning away at the first sign of difficulty compare to addressing a specific audience? The idea seems to be that because the game “assumes” the horrific nature of war and imperialism to be relevant to a lot of people, it should target all of those people. But at this point we may criticize it just for being a videogame and not also a musical and a sculpture and a radio play; you can’t reach everyone, and if you choose to do what you can within a certain medium or genre, how is that a sign of failure? Especially when you are deconstructing that specific genre, attempting to subvert the expectations and thoughts of the people who play that genre so obsessively?

I played Spec Ops having already sampled many games thought to make players aware of the violence they were committing in them, and couldn’t help but shrug my shoulders. For me, military shooters are fantastical, so far apart from what I actually experience that they couldn’t comment on my life. Which was when it hit me- the violence in games aren’t at all based on the violence that actually threatens me off-screen. If there was to be such a game, the character wouldn’t have a weapon, wouldn’t be able to do much damage, and would have to get from my house to the grocery store without being assaulted by men. I don’t know how to use a firearm, I don’t have the fortitude to withstand bullets, and I’ve never been in the military.

Now this is simply breathtakingly self-centered. I’m sorry, but it is. Military shooters contain fantastical depictions of wars that are very, very real, in which people die every day, well over a million in the last few years alone; and if Spec Ops: The Line seeks to criticize the glorification of these wars in videogames, then it is speaking to a hugely important aspect of modern history that has affected an enormous number of people, soldiers and civilians alike. Is all that irrelevant because it’s not someone’s experience of violence? Does the existence of child abuse mean that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are irrelevant? Even from the most America-centered perspective, do the experiences of thousands upon thousands of veterans not mean anything because transphobia is also an issue? And how blindingly self-centered do you have to be to dismiss the horrors of war because you’ve experienced problems yourself? Plenty of people around the world have experienced starvation and poverty and exploitation, and yet they still speak up against war, they still have empathy for those who have been scarred by it – often more so because they have experienced violence themselves. Because if you live in this world with any awareness of what is going on, then a military shooter is commenting on your life, no matter your gender or your religion or your nationality.

These games export violence to extreme situations such as war because it is pandering to the bourgeois of video games, people who don’t experience the threat of real life violence and oppression every day. They can’t make a meaningful connection to those who deal with violent oppression because they most likely have no idea what that is. They don’t put players in the shoes of a transgender woman getting cat-called on her way to get coffee. They aren’t there when a car follows her for blocks as she tries to get home from a party. The common retort is needing these games to still be fun; to that, I say “boo-hoo.”

Pseudo-satirical extreme violence may pander to the bourgeois of video games in certain situations, but war is the worst possible example to pick. War is not a fantasy, not a discourse, not a boys’ game. War is the terrible everyday reality of millions of people who are bombed and tortured by the governments of the West (or governments supported by the West), and the instruments (and victims) of those governments are people who have been raised with precisely the myths that militaristic videogames endlessly repeat. To compare getting cat-called on the way to get coffee to the horror of being burned from the inside-out by white phosphorus is ludicrously offensive and myopic. I’d call it a “First World Problem” if that particular expression didn’t mask the extreme differences in quality of life in the so-called First World.

I have to give Spec Ops credit though, as it clued me into why I couldn’t relate at all to what these games were trying to do. It was when I encountered a one-word mission objective: Obey. Do what you are told, and you will be rewarded. This is what the privileged class, men who are white, heterosexual, cisgender among many other things, is told to do.

It is telling that for all its talk of privilege, the article never mentions economic class. It is also telling that in talking about war, it uses a description of the privileged class that would exclude Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell and many others directly responsible for war crimes and the persecution of dissenters and whistleblowers. And that’s just within the United States; this idea of the privileged class is entirely US-centric, ignoring the international ruling elite that is not only not exclusively white, but often also comes from countries in which the black/white dichotomy, so prominent in US culture and academic thought, is completely irrelevant. So either only the United States matter, or everyone in the rest in the world who lives in a country without a history of slavery is part of the privileged class, even as their oppression comes not in the form of cat-calls but in the form of starvation and police violence.

If you play your role, you will have a good life. When your role has you on top of the social food chain, there is little complaint to obey. But times are changing- social justice is pushing against the oppressive system that puts one identity over the other, and this privileged class is at a point of despair. They are doing what they are told, don’t they deserve their just reward?

Is this really the world we live in? Are all white heterosexual males rich, or at least comfortable, so long as they obey? Because that is not the reality of unemployment, low-wage jobs and disappearing workers’ rights that most people (of all races and sexual orientations) face. It is not the reality that has left millions of entirely ordinary people, by this logic classed as part of the elite, without a way to survive.

And is the despair felt by the privileged class, whoever they are, the result of social justice? The ongoing crisis of capitalism, the rise of imperialism, the erosion of the welfare state – this is a matter of identity, not economics?

There is no denying that there are those who feel that the advantages they gained via discrimination are slipping away, but can even the Tea Party be seen outside its economic context? Pushing people towards the far right, making them hate those with the same economic interests as themselves, is a classic reaction of capitalism in crisis.

Being a minority in many transparent ways, that option was never there for me. It was obvious from a young age I had to break out the system because it wasn’t for me. And not on an ideological level, not a taste preference, my literal identity that is often decided by men in bureaucracies and development studios. It’s an obvious choice to not obey, because to obey is to die.

Certain people are, by their very nature, placed in positions where the oppressive nature of the system is immediately apparent, and trans people are currently one of the least accepted parts of our society. But what is “the system” in this case? Is it the economic system, the social system, some of both? What does “obey” mean? Does it mean conform socially or does it means conform politically? Because being oppressed in a social sense does not make one an opponent of the political system. Witness, for example, the debate about the US military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. Gay people were being discriminated against; now they no longer are, and many in the US said that was a great victory. But to the rest of the world, especially to the Middle East and Africa, all it meant was that an organization dedicated to murder and torture was now a little nicer to murderers and torturers – not exactly a revolution. Women are oppressed in many ways, but was Margaret Thatcher a revolutionary? Is Angela Merkel opposed to the system? Again, the US-centric view deceives: in Europe we have gay politicians on the far right. Only a few short decades after homosexuality was considered a crime, we have homosexual politicians fomenting hate against Arabs and poor people; you could say that they changed the system, made it more inclusive, but even an oppressed sexual identity does not mean someone is in favour of meaningful systemic change.

Playing Spec Ops gave me a chance to glimpse at the psychology the privileged class. Design is commonly modeled around a player doing what the developers make them do; if the only option is to beat in a guy’s head with a golf club, we must take it. It is predicated on the plight of the heterosexual white man, moving in a system that favors them as long as they would, kindly, do what’s expected of them.

Who is this privileged class? Is it all the many millions of people who play awful, militaristic shooters like Call of Duty and identify with their supposedly heroic protagonists? Are they all white? Are they all rich? Is that the people who run our society?

And if the “plight of the heterosexual male” (homogenizing millions of people of vastly different backgrounds worldwide) is that he is rewarded if he obeys, why does a game like Spec Ops suggest that there is, in fact, no reward except horror and madness?

Even stranger is the argument that being forced to do what one is told to do is the characteristic of the privileged. Is it the privileged who are forced to join the military because they have no money? Is it the privileged who become cannon fodder or trained murderers against their will? No, the privileged are free to make the choices they want, to lament the ugly necessity of war; they have non-revolutionary choices. Whereas the oppressed do end up joining the army, do end up being cannon fodder, and a part of what pushes them in that direction (the only other alternative being revolutionary action, a frightening prospect even to the politically motivated) is our culture’s myths of the martial hero. To deconstruct that, to show its ugliness, is hugely valuable to the oppressed.

The trick of the game, much like it’s ideological predecessor Bioshock, is the only way to ‘win’ or not do terrible things is to stop playing. Turn off the game. To look away. For some reason, people laud games like Spec Ops and Bioshock for not giving a solution, for not putting in a step forward. That is the appraisal of people whose well-being doesn’t ride on someone finding an answer to oppression.

The lack of games that present a solution to such problems is certainly something to be criticized, but are these really such good examples? Sometimes the horror needs a beginning, middle and end for the story to work; sometimes the protagonist has to be trapped, because being trapped is a characteristic of modern life (less so for the privileged, not more). A more dangerous story than these is the one where the players can choose between various political solutions, none of which cause any fundamental change, or in which progressive choices are always seen as well-intentioned but ultimately naive and ineffective.

This isn’t to say either experience is solely enjoyed by or relatable to men, but that we’ve accepted that games constantly treat us as such.

As what? Men? Who are these people that can so easily be put into one category, as if they were all defined by their gender?

Then again, yes, games constantly place us in the same shoes and tell us similar stories. That’s a huge problem. But is it a problem with Spec Ops: The Line?

As for the suggestion that “men” or even “white men” is a category of people whose well-being doesn’t ride on someone finding an answer to oppression, that is extremely offensive to all those fighting to survive in a system that has long ago declared (class) war on them, and to the millions of dead who have fallen in the long struggle against oppression.

This is why the recent public foray about video games and violence is rather laughable. Games are clearly overestimated when it comes to the kinds of topics and play is actually there. American society, at least, has identified guns and violence with boys and men for as long as I’ve been alive, and most likely before the first video game. It reminds me of an anecdote Brendan makes in his book, that cover shooters remind him of playing games of pretend as a child. Video games are currently a translation of that, a reincarnation of stereotypically boys’ activities that do impart cultural values, but do not simulate anything real. We can see this throughout all other media, and can attribute the homogeneity of both the artists and the audiences they target.

What disturbs me about this is that the complaint is not about the focus in games on dehumanizing others and justifying killing, but about the fact that killing is considered to be a thing for boys. Apart from the fact that there are plenty of women in the military, is this all that men are? Is the reduction of men to killing machines something to be overlooked in favour of “games for girls” or equivalent identity-reinforcing clichés? In other words: we don’t have an industry of games for men, we have an industry of games for slaves.

Yes, games in general cover a pathetically small slice of human life and experience. Yes, game development needs to be far more inclusive, far more diverse. But the existence of Mainichi does not invalidate the existence of Spec Ops or BioShock, just like the existence of violence against transgender people does not mean we can stop caring about violence against the people of Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, or Detroit.

This is why our Vice President calls a meeting to solve gun violence over the rare attack at a predominately white school and not the frequent, systematic murder of transgender women of color.

If there is a sentence that perfectly encapsulates the myopic nature of this article, it’s this one. Dismissing a shooting spree as “rare” (actually shockingly common in the US as compared to the rest of the world) and making a point of the fact that the victims were predominantly white (as if that makes them more deserving of death or less deserving of justice), asking instead for a focus on the hyperspecific group of people the author belongs to (not just transgender individuals, or transgender women, but transgender women of color) – and all the while ignoring that said Vice President is a representative of what Martin Luther King Jr. called “the greatest purveyor of violence in the world today”, a government that uses jingoism and propaganda, of which games often form a part, to justify its global policies of oppression.

There is a bigger picture.

I know many developers and players are excited about the avenue of satire. The ‘gotchya!’ is easy to formulate and punctuate an otherwise typical game. But letting business as usual carry on until the final stages serves no one any good- it creates the illusion that these problems are outside of us, easily boxed away when we please.

This is very true and very important. Just excusing the regular awfulness of most games by labelling them satire and adding an ending where you’re working for the bad guys or are mad or whatever – that’s easy and cheap and largely pointless. I don’t see how this relates to Spec Ops or even BioShock, both of which are far more than that, but in general it is a sentiment more game developers should share.

Indeed, challenging the player from the get-go with actual problems might not be fun and require the help of someone who isn’t white, heterosexual, nor a man.

And immediately we descend back into the murk of identity politics. Instead of asking games to address a wider variety of problems, the problems addressed by Spec Ops are simply dismissed as not real, fantastical in the same way that the war in Afghanistan is not real (because it doesn’t directly affect the author) or the hundreds of victims of drones aren’t real (because they’re not transgender women of color). And instead of highlighting the need for diversity, again the emphasis on the cliché Other of the White Heterosexual Man, the bogeyman of cultural studies. This isn’t a cry for equality, it isn’t support for the global struggle for freedom and human rights, it’s just another expression of the typically American (and focused only on America) obsession with identity within capitalism.

Boo-hoo.

When “boo-hoo” excludes millions of people – people of all skin colours and all genders – struggling for their lives, struggling with unimaginable events, struggling for dignity and freedom and justice in a world torn apart by wars and insane economic policies, then “boo-hoo” isn’t good enough.

I’ve seen the country I grew up in, the country I am the most emotionally attached to, rapidly decline into a crisis zone comparable to the Third World, where people die in hospitals because there are no drugs, where malaria is making a comeback, where people kill themselves because they don’t want to live off garbage. I’ve seen the streets of my youth turned into the playground of state-supported neonazis, where dissenters are beaten to a pulp by riot police. I’ve seen a “government of national unity” imposed without elections, and in “real” elections I have seen the people threatened by foreign governments, told that they will be punished if they should choose to vote for anyone but the same old corrupt oligarchs. I’ve seen my parents suffer and lose what little security they had managed to accumulate over decades of hard, badly-paid work. And my grandparents, the ones I grew up with? Fought in the Resistance, fought in the Civil War. My grandfather was tortured for his views and physically damaged for life, my grandmother was a refugee from the Pontic genocide. Oppression is not a foreign concept to us.

I’ve experienced racism, both subtle and overt, because of my appearance and my name. In everyday life, I’m confronted with racism all the time – on the train, at the dentist’s, just walking down the street. People come to my site looking for ways to “kill the Greeks”. I’ve gotten hatemail and threats. I’ve been sneered at. I’ve had Germans, in random conversations on Facebook, suddenly attack me or others for “owing them money”. People make a point of mentioning Greece when they talk to me, in an expectant tone that implies that I need to apologize for something. The German media and the German government have done nothing but present Greeks as lazy, corrupt thieves, and more than enough people in Germany have fallen for it.

It would be easy, in the face of all this, to turn to nationalism, to denounce non-Greeks, to demand the Greek minority in Germany be given more of a voice; to see the crisis of capitalism in terms of Greece. But to do so, no matter how tempting it might be emotionally, would be catastrophic; the problems faced by Greece are international and systemic, and there is no solution to be found within the narrow confines of nationalism. The only hope there is for ending the violence, both literal and economic, is to recognize that everyone – including the Germans – is oppressed by this system. The struggle in Greece is the struggle in Egypt is the struggle in Ecuador is the struggle in the United States. Even the ruling elite is not stereotypical; there are no Others.

Best of Casual Gameplay 2012

So the time has come again for the Best of Casual Gameplay awards. These awards are voted for by the public, so winning one last time for The Book of Living Magic was quite meaningful to me. This time I have more than one nomination – as a matter of fact, four out of five games I made in 2012 are nominated. That’s rather awesome, isn’t it?

Anyway, it would be highly appreciated if you went and voted! You can vote once per day until the 23rd.

(Arcadia: A Pastoral Tale and The Fabulous Screech are under Interactive Art or Experimental, Traitor is under Shooter and The Sea Will Claim Everything is under Narrative. But please do vote in the other categories as well.)

The competition this year is fierce – so many excellent games – and I don’t actually expect to win anything, but if you enjoyed these games, why not throw some love their way?

Thanks.

Nexus City is dead, long live Nexus City

You may have heard that Terry and I are no longer going to be making Nexus City or Selma’s Story. I already talked about this on Twitter, but I thought I’d post here to clarify things a little.

The games in their current form are definitely cancelled.

Terry and I did not have a falling out.

Terry and I did not have “creative differences”.

Terry and I are not enormous green globbermonkeys. At least not usually.

Terry and I did not fall out of love with the project. We love its story, its world, its characters – and its game mechanics. That’s why it took us so long to make this decision.

So what happened? Well, I think we just went about it the wrong way. Figuring out how to collaborate is a whole process unto itself, especially when both people involved are designers. Collaboration over the internet is difficult enough, but if you add the complexities of life, health, and other projects, it’s easy for things to end up in a weird sort of limbo state. And that’s what happened. We had a lot of great elements, but no momentum.

Is Nexus City over now? Not really. I’m sure Terry will find a way of putting the game mechanics he developed into a game of his own, and I’ll find a way of telling the story of Nexus City in my own way. Selma’s Story, too. Hell, I’ll even tell those stories we considered but never told you about. I’ve got a fascinating world and endless pages of notes. It would be mad to throw that all away. It won’t be the game we were planning, but it will be great anyway. And when it happens, I’ll make sure Uncle Terry gets to be involved in its upbringing.

Furthermore, since Terry and I haven’t had a falling out or anything of the sort, it’s still quite likely that we’ll collaborate at some point – but this time we’ll know how not to screw it up. So don’t worry.

Look Forward

As I said in the previous post, creatively speaking 2012 was a good year. Despite the difficulty of getting attention for games that don’t fit into familiar categories, my games reached people. They found new fans, they were written about by critics, they affected other game developers. There were defeats but there were also many victories. (Still being here is a victory of a kind, too.)

So what do I intend to do in 2013?

Accelerate.

My friends often tell me that I have too many projects, but I’ve started to realize that the problem is I don’t have enough. Attempting to be creative in the age of crisis can be disheartening – self-publishing may be easy, but it’s rarely rewarding, and most of the creative industries have become harder to break into as publishers embrace the short-term logic of looking only for the next best-seller. I get depressed just thinking about it, and depression makes it incredibly hard to do creative work. Not being creative makes me even more depressed, however, and you can see how this goes. I need output. I need to make things. Different things. With other people, too – I can’t do everything on my own. I need to fill those empty, soul-crushing hours when I’m done with my regular work but can’t relax. I need to do more.

All the websites Verena and I have created will start being updated more regularly. The Starving Artists’ Kitchen has so much more to offer. Commentarium will return and blossom, free from my attempts to impose a definite shape on it. And there are other projects of a similar nature that are finally going to come to fruition. An explosion of words and ideas, mine and other people’s. Enthusiasm. Life. Even if it kills me.

And games, of course. Various games, but above all a project called The Kingdom of the Wolf. I’ve hinted at it before on Twitter and elsewhere, but it’s grown bigger and more ambitious than I’d ever imagined. Screw the Citizen Kane of gaming, I’m making the Paradise Lost of gaming! An interactive novel that will deserve the overused title of “epic” – a grand, complex mythopoetic work with a deep philosophical basis. Sounds arrogant? Fuck yeah. Why not think big? Why limit ambition in game development to technical matters? I’m going for it.

There will be a crowdfunding thing for this. If it goes well, it could change everything for me and how I make games. I’ll be counting on your support.

Will the Lands of Dream be forgotten in all this? Of course not. Don’t worry. Neither will other types of games. I think that in a few years I may be done with making games, but until then my output will increase. I intend to go out with a bang.

I will make a film this year. Any film. Complete that old project, start a new one, I don’t care. I need to do this.

I will write more screenplays. Melinoe is one of the best things I’ve written. I’m good at screenwriting, and I need to stop neglecting this ability.

I need an agent, I think.

Our children’s book will finally be published. Will it do well in poverty-stricken Greece? I don’t know. I hope so. Its story is relevant to what is going on. I hope the right kind of people hear about it.

2012 reminded me that hope is possible. 2013 will be the year in which my future is decided. I’m either going to fly or I’m going to crash. I don’t believe that good work is always rewarded, but I do believe it is worth trying. And I have been trying really hard since 2003. I’ve found my wife, my cat, my voice. It’s been a struggle, but here’s hoping that after ten long years, the road to Oneiropolis is within reach.

Look Back

2012 is over. A long, interesting, difficult year, full of surprises.

It started out with a sustained burst of creativity. We did the first few episodes of The Starving Artists’ Kitchen, including running a tiny Indiegogo campaign. Making the show was fun, if not exactly easy, and it felt like something meaningful. Lots of people used the recipes we presented, especially the bread.

We worked hard on the Oneiropolis Compendium, a project I really adored. We made the mistake of not asking enough money for the pictures, so that we actually earned relatively little from it, but it was glorious.

I released Arcadia: A Pastoral Tale. It’s a short, quiet little game, but it’s one of my personal favourites. There’s so much more to it than meets the eye, and a setting that is one of the best I’ve ever created.

Then I released The Fabulous Screech, the game that is trying its hardest to outdo The Infinite Ocean in terms of Most Deeply Personal Emails Generated. What an unexpected game! I wasn’t planning on going back to Oddness Standing yet, I wasn’t even planning on making a game about Screech, but when Angie contacted me about making an interactive present for her boyfriend Matt, who is a fan of my games, I decided to create something more interesting than just an interactive postcard. And somehow I ended up making this deeply personal game which affects a lot of people in the same way it affects me. I’m grateful that I got to do this.

Still burning with energy, I then released Traitor, a casual shmup with an emphasis on giving the action a context. I was very apprehensive about this game, since a lot of developers I respect didn’t like it. The feedback I got did allow me to improve it significantly before release, which was necessary, but the basic concept of the game clashed with a lot of indies’ understanding of innovation and challenge. Sometimes I feel that I inhabit a completely different realm than other designers. Anyway, as it turns out, in the world of flash games there was definitely room for a game like Traitor, and it did quite well. Except of course for the fact that the flash market has basically collapsed, so making money from flash games is no longer really possible.

Not a bad beginning, I’d say. Just a few months into the year and we’d done a ton of stuff. But we’d also decided to make our first full-blown commercial game, to be released with the first Bundle in a Box. So we embarked on the adventure of making The Sea Will Claim Everything.

Wow. What can I say about that? A huge game, full of wild ideas, made on a budget of nothing, taking on Greek politics, austerity, the Egyptian revolution/Arab Spring, gender politics, foreclosures, philosophy, mythology… it went far beyond any previous Lands of Dream game in ambition and scale and detail, and I’m incredibly pleased that we pulled it off. Having made it feels great.

Actually making it, on the other hand, was incredibly stressful. With the deadline looming and an humongous amount of content to create (the hotspot descriptions alone are tens of thousands of words, enough for a moderately-sized novel), I went into a frenzy of work that left me completely and utterly burned out. I spent May 21st, my birthday, working from early in the morning to late at night, not spending a single moment to celebrate. I have no words to describe how depressing that was.

After that, things did not go so well. The bundle was studiously ignored by most major gaming sites, despite offering a fantastic selection of games for very little money. It wasn’t bundle fatigue, it was just the result of Kyttaro Games (who organized the bundle) not being part of the inner circle, i.e. not having enough personal connections. That was a harsh blow. If we’d sold the game on our own, all our financial problems would be solved now. (That’s not an exaggeration.) I obviously feel no resentment towards the Bundle in a Box folks, because we would never have even made the game without them, and it’s in no way their fault that things went this way… but it was very disheartening. I seriously considered just giving up on game development altogether.

Next, right in the weeks after the bundle’s release, the Universe hit us with a special double-attack combo. First our lovely black monster of a cat got sick (a urinary tract problem). Then Verena got hit by a taxi while cycling.

I remember rushing to the hospital after the police called me (they wouldn’t let Verena call me herself, though they allowed her to call work to say she couldn’t come; this is both baffling and enraging). I vividly remember walking into the emergency department, seeing her covered in blood, with stitches above her right eye, and thinking this is the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

Sounds romantic, but I think we both could have done without that particular experience.

Burned out, taking care of a sick cat and an injured wife, I was unable to do half the revolting publicity bullshit that selling a game requires. Part of me didn’t want to do any kind of creative work ever again. Nonsense, of course, as anyone who knows me can tell, but at the time I felt so thoroughly disillusioned, so broken, so disgusted with the incestuous, inwards-looking nature of indie games, that I sometimes seriously thought about just getting a regular job and living a regular life.

I couldn’t make a game. I didn’t work on a game for months. I had some ideas, but they didn’t seem worth working on, and I was still spending most of my time trying to get at least a few major websites to take note of The Sea Will Claim Everything. Reviews on smaller blogs were astoundingly positive, with people having all the powerful experiences I’d hoped for, but to the parts of the gaming press that have the power to generate sales, that didn’t really matter. The Sea Will Claim Everything wasn’t a smash indie hit and it didn’t fit into any recognizable categories, so it was ignored.

Despite all this, despite feeling more creatively defeated than I’d felt in a long time (the last time was probably Phenomenon 32), I wrote. I wrote a lot. I wrote Designing for Grace, which somewhat unfairly attacked Raph Koster but also contained some of the ideas that are most important to me as an artist. I also wrote The One Hundred Dollar Question, easily the most-read thing I wrote all year. (“You broke the indie scene!” someone said to me, but I was only one of many voices.)

Both of those articles, though they got a lot of attention, ultimately ended up sending me deeper into depression. Not that I spent all day weeping – I actually had some pretty good times here and there – but this feeling of heaviness, of oppression, of not really feeling sure you want to be part of something… that increased as I realized what an intense hatred and contempt there is for those who think differently, even in the supposedly open and progressive and innovative indie scene. Several developers told me that they had similar feelings about Greenlight, but simply felt that they wouldn’t be able to deal with the backlash for voicing their opinion. And the bile-filled rants that you saw in the comments about whiny entitled brats who are too lazy to understand that we live in a great meritocracy and all good games make money… those were only a small part of the backlash. It’s amazing just how angry people get when you suggest that maybe there’s something wrong with the system; they seem to believe that if they acknowledge the problems, then their otherwise-guaranteed rags-to-riches success will be sabotaged.

I was also surprised by the intensity of the attacks on Designing for Grace. Not Raph’s disagreement with what I wrote – that was well-founded and understandable (and quite gracious). But Raph, though we have a profound disagreement about terminology and perhaps the logic of game design in general, is ultimately on the same side I’m on: he was, as he said, taking the idea of grace as read. But the kind of thinking I criticized in the article, though not really represented by Raph, does very much exist, and I was discouraged to see just how aggressively inane people are willing to get to defend “their” medium from any kind of thinking that does not fit into the obsession with categorization and formulas that is so typical of so-called geek culture.

I struggled to regain my enthusiasm. Verena was better now, but our cat got sick again, this time perhaps more seriously (a chronic illness, unrelated to the previous one). The Starving Artists’ Kitchen got stalled, the Oneiropolis Compendium stopped altogether, even though (to my great shame) I still owed some people pictures and stories. The cat’s medical bills cost us more than twice as much as the Indiegogo campaign had raised. The case surrounding Verena’s accident was still unresolved, with the taxi driver claiming Verena had been crossing in the red (she wasn’t; this would also mean that he was crossing in the red) and all kinds of unpleasant and ridiculous shenanigans occuring. The police, as usual, weren’t terribly helpful, giving contradictory answers and often being outright unfriendly.

The winter was bittersweet, but that’s a lot better than being all bitter. I started writing for Nightmare Mode, my first piece being the well-received Games For Adults. I did some more interviews (I really need to update the press page). I re-released The Fabulous Screech as a downloadable. Our children’s book got delayed to Probably February, a situation that can only be blamed on the Greek government and its bosses in the European Union (austerity destroys business, and publishing is a business). Verena was officially pronounced guilt-free, though no two police officers can agree as to why, and it’ll still take months before we might be able to get any kind of money from the taxi driver’s insurance. I put The Sea Will Claim Everything on special offer and sold a few more copies.

More importantly, I made Moonlight, a game about Stephen Fry and depression. I almost didn’t release it, but I’m glad that I did. A lot of people have found it moving (and funny); I guess there’s nothing more universal than the extremely specific.

It’s kind of appropriate that I began and ended the year on a Twine game. Working with Twine, free from all the usual bullshit of programming, is a joy. Working on Moonlight helped restore my confidence and enthusiasm for interactive art. I’m working on new projects now. Big projects. Huge projects, even. Ambitious and unique and with more walls of text than you can shake a controller at. (But more about that in the next post.)

Despite the really, really hard months in the middle, 2012 was a good year. It reminded me that these strange games we make – these clunky, flawed, human games made of cardboard and dreams – these games matter. They matter to me and they matter to other people. Whatever problems we may have faced, no matter how hard it may be to get the attention a game needs to make money, the experiences that these games contain cannot be found elsewhere.