Fuck Vampires

Fuck vampires. Seriously. Fuck their self-important whiny brooding shit and fuck their I'm-so-tormented posing. Oh, isn't it sad that they'll shed a tear for you after they rip out your throat? Isn't it heartbreaking? Well, fuck that. It's not like you're going to be around to appreciate it.

Have you ever seen one of them cry, anyway? I'm sure you've heard them go on and on about how the situation is regrettable and it hurts them as much as it hurts you and all that, but have you ever seen one of them actually cry? Or even remotely give a shit that they just drained your grandmother or your husband or your cousin of all their vital fluids? Cause I haven't, and they ate my whole country.

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Or at least you can guess - they've eaten their fair share of countries, after all. But you can probably tell from the accent. The identity card is fake, of course. I'm angry, not stupid. If they knew where I was from, they'd send a bunch of their goons to suck me to death, not let me into their fucking headquarters.

It was a beautiful country, you know. I mean, in some places the landscape was nothing short of paleolithic - you could imagine cavemen arriving there for the first time, looking over those stony hills, barely a cloud in the sky, the sun shimmering on the sea in the distance... and thorny plants all over the place. I guess the cavemen wouldn't have liked those all that much. I know I didn't. Couldn't take two fucking steps without looking like you got into a fight with a cactus. But man, was it beautiful.

And you know what? I'd rather be bleeding that bloodless. That's what they turned us into: bloodless, weak idiots. Bit by bit. Then they got hungry and decided it was all-you-can-eat time. That's not what the PR said around here, I suppose. "Sacrifice" is what they like to call it, right? Sacrifice for magical stability. If they don't have enough blood for their rituals, all the spells that keep us safe will stop working. That's what they claim, anyway.

The thing is, do you feel safe? Apart from being chained to that chair by a lunatic, I mean. Did you feel safe yesterday? Oh, I'm sure you've got a contract. Do you think I didn't? I had three. I wasn't just useful, I was Useful Person of the Year four times in a row. I dug ditches in the morning, processed blood tributes during the day, and waited tables by night in one of those trendy restaurants where the main attraction is showing that you can afford the food. We had all the rare blood types, all the ages that are hard to get. Every Friday night was kids night, and the place was packed.

Oh, the conversations I overheard! The difficulty of being a vampire. The moral obligation of vampires to keep the human population on the right path. The lack of appreciation. And of course the shameless sense of entitlement we dark-skinned sun-loving bastards so often display! Apparently we sometimes even refuse to be treated as dinner on legs.

The good thing is that they always treated me like I was completely invisible. I was a good human. Quiet, polite, always ready to take orders, always respectful. And so I always knew what was coming up next - I heard about every new plan before it happened. But you know, when I heard about the big sacrifice coming up, I didn't believe it. I just couldn't imagine it. I couldn't imagine resisting, either. That's why they bleed us dry slowly. At some point you just don't know what the hell is going on anymore.

I actually got away by accident. They were so busy feasting on us that they lost track of a few things, and I was one of those: a mistake in the paperwork, a number that someone forgot to carry. So I wasn't on the lists, and I managed to get out of the city. I was in hiding for months, barely surviving. At least I lost some weight. Hah.

Then they started dumping toxic waste from their magical devices in every hole they could find. And when all the holes were full, they just dumped it wherever there was a bit of space left. You've never seen anything like it - miles upon miles of stinking, glowing goo covering the landscape of your childhood, killing the animals, poisoning the water. It's like you're on another planet, all of a sudden. I almost laughed the first time I saw it, that's how absurd it was.

Hmmm. Security's going to be running their maintenance program soon. So how about that password? It would make my life a lot easier. And it shouldn't make much of a difference to you, anyway. You're going straight on the menu, and you know it. In fact, that's where you were going anyway. Don't deny it. What do you think happened to your predecessor? If you check your contract, you'll see that there's a provision for efficiency measures. That's you, buddy.


Really? That is the dumbest password I've ever heard. Thanks, though. I'll untie you in a second, if you promise not to do anything suicidal. Don't even think about pressing the alarm button. It'll send the whole building into lockdown mode, and in lockdown mode everything that hasn't got pointy teeth is considered a threat to be eliminated, even if has a nice little secretary tag like you do. Hmmm. Can I borrow that? Thanks.

Maintenance starts... now. Time for the first step of the plan.

What's the first step?

I'm going to ram this stake into his fucking heart, that's what.

The beginning.

Jonas Kyratzes is an independent writer, filmmaker and game designer. If you'd like to support his work, you can buy some of his work. Every cent goes to the struggle against vampires.

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Fuck Vampires by Jonas Kyratzes is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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